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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

When Inspiration Hits

Today, I want to share what's been on my mind and something I learned Sunday.

For as long as I could hold a doll, I wanted to be a mommy.  Even more than I wanted to get married (and my family, friends, and Young Women leaders know just how much I really wanted that).  To me, I've never thought that there would ever be anything better than being a mom.  I won't ever deny the responsibility and hard work that comes with that title.  I also know that I won't ever come close to being able to fully comprehend it until I am granted that charge.  Knowing that there is so much time and energy to focus on another life didn't deter me either.  Filling the shoes and role of mother has always been something to revere and look forward to for me.

When people would talk about plans to have children and whether or not they wanted to procrastinate it, I thought to myself that there would never be a question.  I want children and I'll take as many rugrats as the Lord will give me as soon as He'll give 'em to me.  That's always been my stand.  I don't want to step on any toes because I know everyone's circumstances are different and I believe that it's between the couple and the Lord. That's just the way I've always felt for me.

Before we got married, my family was already planning a Christmas trip to Germany and I was NOT going to miss that.  I hadn't seen my grandparents and uncle in years and had never met my uncle's family.  So, Ty and I decided to hold on for at least a few months.  After that I was ready to get our family started.  However, we're still waiting.  It's been a rough subject and I dreaded when we were first married and people would ask us when we were going to start having kids.  Is that really an appropriate question when you don't know the circumstances in a couple's lives?  The road leading up to now has been hard.  Hoping and waiting, hoping and waiting.  Then getting those hopes dashed.  In the meantime, I've sat and watched while family and friends experienced the one thing I've longed for.  At some point it becomes too much and I have to stop reading the status updates and the blogs and looking at the pictures.  As much as I am happy for them, I'm still a little selfish and wonder when I get to have that.

When do I get to experience nausea and throw up everything I eat because my body is getting rid anything bad so my baby will be healthy?

When do I get to feel the first tickles of movement from the tiny foot of my little one?

When do I get to go through the most horrifying pain I'll ever know and in the end, hold the person I've been so anxious to meet for so long?

When do I get to be a mommy?  And change my baby's diapers?  And hold them when they are sad?  Get up in the middle of the night even though I've completely forgotten what sleep really feels like because it's been that long?  Be completely depended on by the tiniest creature because that IS my job?

Those are all questions I've posed for my Heavenly Father.

I've struggled to understand my Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I still don't know everything.  Thinking about it doesn't make sense.  I'm a good person and I make good choices and I'm in a good place to have that in my life.  After all, this is a righteous desire right?  So what's the problem?  Well, I don't know.

I've been to the temple a few times and done some praying on my own and I've asked the Lord, "Will I be able to get pregnant and have children?"  You know what?  EVERY time, I'm blessed with the knowledge that I will.  It will happen....someday, but it will happen.  I've felt at peace with that knowledge.  But at some point that feeling sort of fades down and I need more reassurance.

That's where I come to the real story.  I know you're all thinking, "It's about time girl!" 

Ty and I are Sunday School teachers in our ward at church and the lesson for this last Sunday was Israel and their journeying in the desert.  They had just left Egypt, crossed the Red Sea, and were finally out of the grasp of Pharaoh.  Happy and excited though they were, now they were on their own.  The Egyptians had always provided what they needed.  They had to work incredibly hard for it, but still.  Now that they were in the wilderness, they would have to depend on the Lord.  They asked Moses to ask the Lord for food and water.  The Lord provided them with bread and quail, however, they had to go out each morning and get only what they needed.  Whatever extra they took would be rotten the next day (except on the Sabbath).

It made me think.  How hard am I working for the Lord so that I can receive only what I NEED from Him?  Though I've had the one week goals, I've still faltered later and could work harder.  I could read my scriptures more diligently, say my prayers more often, visit the temple more frequently, take more time to help others.  If I don't do my part, how can I expect Him to help me.

In Relief Society, our lesson was on Praying to Our Heavenly Father.  We discussed "What Is Prayer?", "Why Do We Pray?", "When Should We Pray?", "How Should We Pray?", and "How Are Prayers Answered?".  I really appreciated this lesson.  It's something I really need to be better at and work on.  When we got to the section "How Are Prayers Answered?" a woman in the class mentioned that the answer to our prayers doesn't always come right away and that sometimes we have to wait awhile to receive it.  Sometimes it doesn't come in the way we expect.
To quote the lesson manual:
"Sometimes the answer is 'wait a while.'  Our prayers are always answered at a time and in a way that the Lord knows will help us the most."

At this point I was overwhelmed.  I thought, "I do have my answer.  I just have to be patient and trust my Heavenly Father."  I have, not only an impatience problem, but I also always feel I have to do things on my own.  However, this is something that really is out of my hands.  I really don't have a way to control it and I just have to have faith in Him.

Anyway, I wanted to share what I learned because it was a big thing for me.
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